hi people - sorry it's been so long. I've been back at work which is always energy/time consuming, but it's also been quite heavy work emotionally and spiritually so it's kind of been too 'in the middle of it' to write anything.

turns out... god is amazing and faithful, but when we're having a hard time how long do we blunder on for before we stop and ask God for help? we want jesus to be present and real in our everyday lives, but how much room do we leave him? and how much room does he want? and sometimes there is a lot of effort and energy to get through to that point - but if it comes to a choice between blundering around in the dark by ourselves or pushing through to the light, I know which I would choose even if it takes me a while to get to that point.

crikey, I hope that makes sense to someone. the truth of it all is this - is you stop and rest into god, it all gets a lot better whatever.

hey, I keep trying to post but keep getting thwarted, so maybes I'm supposed to just think for a while. I have to go to work any second, but I wanted to tell you about a site called the thing about it. it's a site that my community of friends in sheffield post on with news of what's going on socially and spiritually, ask for prayer, give thanks etc. so if you want to know more, click that link...

whew - considering Christmas is about heaven coming down to touch earth in the form of jesus, it can be a stressful time can't it? I was home with my family on my own (no 2 older brothers for the first time in my life) and I have to say it was quite stressful. being in a house run by somebody else, being with people with different beliefs... but it was also a really beautiful time because the only person I could go to was jesus. when I woke up in the morning or when I wanted to shout, I had to stop and go to jesus. and I really found that He was my peace. do you know how amazing it is to sit in the company of someone who looks at you and just loves everything about you? who can see everything in you? who values every part of you? who sees all your real beauty and lets you see it too? it was just amazing. and He was my wise counsel too. I really dont know how to deal with people best, because I dont know everything about them let alone how to deal with their actions, but He really does and He gave me sound advice in all situations. and God's been showing me how important it is to put this place of peace with jesus into my daily life as well. I'm one of those people who likes to get things done. I can be very efficient and do lots of jobs, but still achieve nothing in the day if I haven't stopped and {not only talked to God and prayed} but also sat with Him, and listened and shared some time with Him. one amazing book I am reading is called 'tuesday's with Morrie'. it's about this guy, called morried schwatrz, dying and what he's learnt through life. it's a real story about a real man who reminds me alot of my grandpa who died a few years ago - he's a real thinker but, as the book says, 'through his courage, his humour, his patience, and his openess - it was becoming clear to me that Morrie was looking at life from some very different place... a healthier place.' There are a few excerpts I want to post as I think some of the things he says are very pertinent:

'we're so wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks - we're involved in a trillion little acts just to keep going. so we dont get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing?'

'people haven't found the meaning of their lives, so they're running all the time looking for it... then they find those things are empty too and they keep running.'

it's by mitch albom and I would really recommend getting it - not only for yourselves but for any friend you might want to think about life a little more deeply.

you know I really love jesus. there are many things I find hard in life and might want to change at the moment - not having a partner, not having friends I really click with in the same place as me, doing something people don't get, feeling judged, feeling lonely - but in all the hard things God asks me to do and hold out for Him for, He also promises to meet me in those places. And His love is so rich and deep and real that if He asked me I'd drop anything for Him because I know He doesn't create a gap in my life just to leave it empty and aching but He wants to fill it. There is so much richness in all He has for us. And I also take solace that He felt these things too, only much deeper and much harder on the cross, so I can meet with Him there.