my first bollywood experience

first of all, just have to say how much it's raining - cats and dogs all day! so much so I made a skirt so that when I went out I wouldn't be dragging overly long trouser ends through the streams, soaking water half way up my legs. it really is wet.

so, went to the cinema last night and saw viruddh, an indian film with english subtitles. this was my first bollywood film, and the old couple comedy nagging, beautiful young women, dashing young hero, singing, sparkling special effects, virtual add-break product placement and hilarious fight scenes (no real hitting and in fast forward) was really some experience. but it was only half of it. the other half was just being there in the cinema. I was the only white person in there - with sovce, but she has dark hair and a great tan at the moment. the rest of the audience were all indian, from skinny little girls to bustling sari'ed flowery perfumed grannies. we were a little late, but people just kept on arriving, chatting, making loud comments, laughing at the jokes or odd translation, tutting at the baddies. and then the piece de restantce for me - the intermission! I was about 7 the last time I had one of those! people stretched their legs, chatted to neighbours, found more snacks. it was like being immersed in a scene from one of the books I've read recently - a suitable boy by vikram seth, I loved it. a little piece of india in sheffield's centertainment. the film itself was also really good. the first half was really humourful mainly about this older couple and their amusing ways of keeping eachother in line, but the second half was a complete about turn as their son was killed by a bigwig who'd been bad and they fought for justice. the sound track was amazing, far more emotionally charged than a 'normal' film. particularly a scene where the father goes to the killer's office to get a confession (but you don't know that's what he's doing) - as he's walking there he looks really depressed and hopeless, but the music knocks you out of your seat it's so gripping. so, all in all a fantastic experience and one I'd very glady repeat. watch out though, these sorts of films don't stay in the cinema long - how could they when war of the worlds is playing 12 times a day?!

meeting with jesus proves tricky.

I feel surrounded by a sea of possibilities for my relationship with jesus, yet none of them seem to actually work for me. all the ideas out there feel like hard work and ungraceful ways of meeting with god. the best way I find is just in sitting or being and talking to jesus as I go. the bible feels pretty irrelevant to me, although I like reading old testament stories. I feel drawn to worship and prayer but have difficulty finding a place I feel peaceful or able to do that. and it's hard having had a full-on in love with jesus relationship in the past - feeling like anything else is not good enough, although I don't think god intended that to be a static state of relationship for me and him. I wonder where he is taking me...

being critical...

I've been challenged about being critical. I was reading the word for today and this lady said god had challenged her not to say anything critical for a day - a fast from criticism if you like. she said she felt empty and like she had nothing to say throughout the day. but as the day wore on she felt more creativity in her, and said that the critical thoughts had been closing everything off and limiting her. so I've been trying it, and it's hard work! but it is helping me realise that every time I tell a story of self pity or of someone else's mis-deeds, I'm only doing it to make myself feel better in some way. and it does leave a gap, which is great because it means it's going to get filled with something much better, and more positive, instead.

crash

crash is a new film out august 12th. I would really recommend watching it. it has big stars, but all in equally important/minor roles - sandra bullock, don cheadle, matt dillon to name a few. it's about racial tensions in LA, and has people from upper class white, 'ganster' black, upper class black, hispanic, east asian and other communities in it. it looks at the strikingly obvious and the very subtle forms of racism, and has definately challenged me about my attitudes and steroetypes towards other people groups. so I reccomend you watch it, and be challenged...

big blue skies

I've just been out in my back garden, maybe enjoying it for the first time. lying on my back staring at the sky, house martins swooping over my head with a rush of air as the head for the eaves on our terrace. I love being outside. in the fresh air. in nature. seeing the sky. god took a whole day to make the sky, just the same as he took a whole day to make the land and all plants or all the sea and air living creatures. that's a lot of art just in the sky. when I think of my friends around the world, I think of the sky as our big link that travels between us and connects us. my sky is their sky.

we spent some of today planning our trip to new zealand - what to take, what to ship, what to sell, what to buy before we go and when we're there. it gave me hope and reminded me of all the things in us which god wants to give room and bring alive. fran's perceptive in a deep and quiet way. this week he said he's just not doing what he's supposed to be doing (the thing which brings him life) and it makes life harder. if I'm not doing what god has called me to, then the other things in my life become of greater importance to be a crutch and make me happy, when that's not their role. being myself and doing the right thing is what's going to make me happy, then other things can bring happiness in the right proportion. if you're relying on the wrong things to make you happy, it can often turn them sour. so I remind myself what I am supposed to be doing, and just that act alone makes me feel lighter and happier. I'm thankful that god knows what is best for me.

where is my worth?

yesterday I read round people's blogs, and as I did so I felt shallow and empty as people talked about what god was doing with them, where they were, what they were learning. I'm very good at pootling along in everyday life without stopping to be still. I talked to god about it and He said I don't stop because I'm scared to stop, because I'm scared of me, of who I am, and that I'm not good enough. don't stop, because then you'll have time to see yourself, and find that you are wanting. but then god told me, in a way that actually resonated with my heart, that it's not what I do that gives me value, it is who I am. I shouldn't invest in what I do, I should invest in who I am. that is the thing of value god gave me: myself. it is worth time, care, nurture and investment.