Monday, December 16, 2002

(softly and thoughtfully)
i've spent the past month on a journey wanting to know what it means to delight in the lord, and I've just come back to the beginning. unless we know that God delights in us, unquestioningly, then we dont know things have changed and are new. we dont have delight unless we know love and that love gives us hope. I'm dragged back and down by the thought that I haven't changed and can never change. but God says he delights in me and sees me as a new person even before I wake up each day. I can get all complicated and detailed about what it means to delight in the lord, but this is the smallest common denominator - God loves me and sees me as a delightful person full of amazing things. He said to me this morning 'you could get up and watch tv all day and you'd still be changed and a new person'. now automatically I'd quite like to add to that '...but of course there are more constructive things to do with your time'. but that isnt what God said. what's more constructive? trying to make yourself right with God by doing things to make yourself feel better, or getting to know that God delights in you and sees you as a new person even while you stumble?

we just watched 'life as a house' and this was at the end:
'I always thought of myself as a house. it didn't need to be big. it didn't even need to be beautiful. it just needed to be mine. i became what I was meant to be.'
god delights in who I am not what I do. the most important thing to do is be myself, whether that's happy or sad, angry or peaceful, bright or darkly coloured, reflective or proactive. I am most at one with god when I am myself and not trying to avoid myself. that's what I am learning with this time of no paid work. I am nothing if I not myself first. I think the most important thing may be to be myself and be with god. everything else comes from there.
and when the house is being itself, it is always beautiful.


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